I lost a friend —– you can help.
Just short of two years ago I met Tom at USCF where our sons were playing soccer together. Tom is a charismatic, outgoing and conversational guy. We immediately connected on topics including work, kids, sports and the neighborhood. Tom and I live a block away from one another and both have very flexible work schedules. Along with having lots in common, these factors allowed us to spend lots of time together over the last two years. I suppose we spent an average of 4 days a week together having coffee, going for a walks or heading to the gym. Often, we would plan to go to the gym but would walk past it and continue to the Ferry Building so that we could continue our conversation or because it was just too nice out to be inside. Sharing a passion for starting companies, we actually worked on a project together helping a new company get off the ground. Tom excelled at what he did.
On February 11, 2011, I lost my oldest brother Billy to a snowmobile accident. Like many of you, and many others, Tom was there for me. Tom hugged me many times beyond my comfort level. He knew it made me uncomfortable, but he didn’t care – he knew I needed a hug and was going to keep doing it until I was comfortable with it. Boy, what I would do for another one of those hugs. Over the last few months Tom and I spent even more time together. Tom was having some anxiety about a few things and I wanted to be there for him as he was for me. Tom’s anxiety grew over the last month or two, and I grew concerned. Though Tom assured me that he was OK, I thought otherwise and wanted to take extra precaution. I knew that Tom had recently been taking some medication for his anxiety that just didn’t seem to be working well and it bothered both of us. He also withdrew socially, some, which bothered me as much as it bothered him. The combined actions were enough for me to get to people who could speak with his doctor who prescribed the medication. Tom’s sister also took action to visit Tom to provide closer attention. We were there for Tom – all of us – as much as we could have been.
Sadly, Tom took his life 10 days ago. Many of us wonder whether we could or should have done more. We lost an amazing guy. Tom was fun, outgoing, witty and above all – compassionate. He told me just days before that he wasn’t contemplating such an act and convinced me of it. It was easy for me to discuss the topic openly with Tom because he knew that we had just lost a family member, John, only a month or two earlier and he assured me he was OK. Just the same, I took precautionary measures and reached out to others. I wish I could have done more – many do – but I think we did all we could have done.
That said – I do believe that there’s a possibility that someone could have done more. In hindsight and after talking with others whom have suffered from anxiety or depression, I believe that someone who had experienced exactly what Tom was experiencing could have talked to Tom in a way that we couldn’t – and that may have made a difference – maybe not, but maybe. Though we cannot look back, other to remember how much Tom changed our lives for the better, we can look forward and try to help others who may suffer from something that most of us don’t comprehend.
I believe that we need to create more awareness around anxiety and depression. I believe that we need to treat these things for what they are – an illness – and remove the negative stigma that exists around this illness, so that those suffering can more comfortably seek help and talk through it with someone with a deep understanding of what they’re gong through. I believe that celebrities need to discuss this on television like they do cancer and other physical illnesses. I believe that we need to raise money for walks and research while making this illness more visible. I believe that, if we can do this, we can save lives – and, given his desire to always help others, I think that Tom would appreciate that. Will you please consider helping me?
Within a couple short days of Tom’s passing, I reached out to a couple of my private communities to find out about resources that currently exist, which are listed below – thank you for those who posted these for me. My goal isn’t to start something new – it’s to contribute my social capital, connections and some energy to helping an existing organization that is currently addressing this problem. I want to help them do more and reach more, and I want your help. Over the next month or two I’ll dig into different groups more deeply and would love for you to work alongside me. If you know of others that are not on this list that you suggest we look at, or would like updates on our activities, then please let us know. Feel free to comment here or use the contact page to send a message that will be private and will go directly to me.
One more thing – please watch out for those around you this Thanksgiving. For many, Thanksgiving is a time of sadness rather than joy – let’s keep an eye out for each other.
We’ll all miss you deeply Tom, and we’ll do what we can to help others in your situation. We’ll celebrate the time we shared with you and watch over your boy and your wonderful family. On your new journey, find my brother Billy and John, who we spoke of, and spin some Beatles or Stones as you kick back with your favorite beverage – it seems that you’ll all get along splendidly. We’ll be toasting you all from down here.
Peace, brother. xo
Resources that others have sent to me – thank you all! If you agree that this is an important message, please share it. Thanks.
http://www.daveneefoundation.com/
http://www.i-empowered.com/
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